stop telling me to be wild in my 20s
lessons from my early 20s for the girls who are sick of being told to 'let loose'
My boss asked me how old I was turning after he caught me frantically scrambling to get on the waitlist for my birthday at a very ‘Melbourne’ 20-seat, rotating seasonal set-menu restaurant that I thought I only knew about - but, of course, everyone had already booked three months in advance.
‘24’ I uttered.
“Wow! You’re in your mid-20s now!”
Gut-punched by the realisation that I’m not perpetually 21, I immediately launched into the typical deflection 20-somethings dive into when asked about their age;
“How could I possibly be turning 24! I still feel 16! Haha! If you asked 15-year-old me what I’d be doing at 24 - I’d be engaged by now!”
But honestly, as someone who has prided herself on (hopefully) peaking in her 30s, I am comforted by the fact that my mid-20s are a step closer to that cultured and sophisticated 30-year-old I envision - the Ariana who would have booked that restaurant three months in advance and would never have used 12 exclamation marks in her email begging to be moved up the waitlist.
Although, I shock myself in moments where I see a glimpse of that woman, and have found myself thinking more frequently, ‘Ariana, that's very 24 of you’. I've caught myself caring about the quality of picture frames (no more plastic inserts, it must be glass). I eat grilled asparagus and actually enjoy it, and I am trying to learn about ‘Vanguard’ and if I should invest (don’t ask me how it works yet though, that’s for 25.)
So, maybe I am ready for my mid-20s?
I’ve never really been good at the whole ‘messy’ 20s thing. My solo trip to Europe consisted of meticulously budgeted art galleries, over-priced pastries and 8pm bedtimes. There was no partying with obnoxious British guys in Greece, or hopping on flights with $0 to my name with an unbridled determination to make it work.
When women talk about aging out of their early 20s, they talk about body clocks and the dissipation of their ‘fun’ years - all tainted with a decrepit reminiscence of the stupid decisions they apparently made when they were your age (you know the tone). They will always tell you to have more fun and to take your life less seriously.
Which is a cool sentiment, and all, unless you’re anything like me - a control freak, a workaholic and a little lot on the anxious side. I like to be alone, and for the most part, dread any hint of spontaneity. So, the whole ‘This is your early 20s! Make mistakes!’ mindset has filled me with preemptive regret that I'm not using this era to be vivaciously wild.
But, maybe, I don’t want to be messy or reckless. Maybe, I don’t want to make stupid decisions for the sake of having the time to make them, and maybe, it’s taken getting to 24 to realise that’s okay.
But as a gracious farewell to what I might one day call my ‘golden years,’ here are five of the less ‘messy’ lessons of my early 20s - for the girls who are tired of being told to ‘let loose’.
1. Be the person who can have a hard conversation.
If you take one thing from this piece, let it be this:
Don’t be the person who can’t handle a hard conversation.
Don’t be a person who lies, deflects, and runs away from their mistakes. I've seen too many people make a questionable choice and go to insane lengths to avoid facing the fallout - out of fear that the impending confrontation is too hard to swallow. The sooner you accept that your life is shaped by your choices, the sooner you’ll realise sometimes your decisions have repercussions. So, if anything, make a choice you can stand by. When you can own your consequences, you’ll navigate tough situations the right way - not the easy way.
On this, if a person treats you badly, you don’t need to forge forgiveness for the sake of your ‘inner peace’ - you are allowed, and should, enforce consequences. I think we forgive too easily and too frivolously. Reserve forgiveness after actions prove regret, not words. If someone in your life makes a selfish, hurtful decision, that is their grave to lie in - not yours to protect. Let them show you they deserve a place in your life.
2. Never meet your idols
No matter who they are, no matter how shiny, successful or brilliant - they will never be as perfect as you see them in your head. They will always be slightly more anxious, messy and ordinary - or, they’ll be a total cunt - there’s no in-between, so save yourself the pain of finding out. The comfort that settles in after someone falls from your pedestal is the realisation that no one is truly as exceptional as they appear. Anytime I’ve gotten close enough to see through the glow of an idol, I’ve realised very quickly - they don’t have anything I don’t. I have the same hands, the same brain, and the ability to learn the same skills. The only difference is, in a past moment, they chose a relentless perseverance to push them to where they happen to be today. That’s the hard part to tap into. No one is really that special - so, keep that in your mind before you compare and convince yourself you’re not enough.
3. Curation is a task for a lifetime
If lacking ‘personal style’ is the newest insecurity TikTok has given you - this is for you. A good quality black jumper will always be worth the money that you are instantaneously dropping on that polka dot skirt you saw on Pinterest. We’ve been on the internet long enough to understand micro-trends, so as tempting as they are, put your card away.
Here is the rule that has saved my closet (and my bank account).
If I try on a piece of clothing there are only two criteria that justify buying it on the spot.
It is the exact thing I have been looking for for months - in the exact shape, size and perfect fit (Exact is the key here, not 'close enough')
The second I put it on my body, I am filled with the unrelenting elation that this piece was made for me.
If there is any slither of a maybe, it goes back on the rack (yes, even at an op shop). If I'm still thinking about it a week later, I'm allowed to go back and get it. If you’re a lover of destiny, this rule really pays off when the 7 days are up and that silk cami is still sitting at Brunswick Vinnies. It’s divine intervention - so you deserve it.
4. Trust in the comfort of your future hindsight
When things feel overwhelming and all you want to do is crawl into bed and let the days flick past, think back to those moments in your past when you were paralysed the same way. Think back to how your heart ached when your 15-year-old boyfriend dumped you - the tears you shed, the confidence that the pain would last forever and that you’d never meet anyone else. What would you say to that girl now? I’d grab her by the shoulders and scream that crying over an eshay is insane and if she could see her future life, she'd snap out of it.
So, bottle up the relief of hindsight you have earned in your life and hold them close to your chest every time a new hurdle comes up. No matter how bad it gets, hold onto all the things that you would say to that 15-year-old girl - make them up if you need to. Be the future self you need until enough time has passed that the hindsight is real and you don’t have to fabricate it. Trust in it, every rejection always makes sense, so lie until it does.
5. Pay attention to the bodily difference between your comfort zone and your boundaries
I think people are becoming too ferocious about their boundaries. I also think the capitalist grind has engrained that a comfort zone is a figure of your imagination. Both are untrue - but it can be hard to decipher the line when you’re anxiously inclined. Pushing outside my comfort zone always includes a tentative excuse, whereas surpassing a boundary is a sickly dread that lingers - even if I force myself to push through it.
The dread-to-comfort zone ratio should look like 10%/90% - save the dread for the important stuff (like never going to an improv class ever again). If you’re dreading more than 10% of your life, there are probably bigger issues at play.
Growing up in music theatre, my body learnt very quickly to override any pang of embarrassment. Any sinking ‘I don’t want to do this’ feeling was met with the voice of some teacher telling me I’d never be good enough if I didn’t. If you hate something, that’s okay, you actually don’t need to do it - even if you’re told you should. Understanding the bodily sensation of dread is a good start. For me, it’s a blaring, sinking spiral of ‘no, no, no’. I know what that feels like - if it starts to rise, I don’t force the action upon myself.
When it comes to pushing outside your comfort zone, if the thought of action working out excites you (even just a little) but your reasons for holding back are fear of 1) failing or 2) what others think - there’s only one choice to make. Swallow your pride and do the thing. You can read every book, and listen to every podcast, but no one can make you stop caring about those things except for yourself. Make the choice to drown it. The faster you get out of your head, the better.
For further reading I highly recommend anything by Alexis Fernandez. Her podcast ‘Do You Fucking Mind’ got me through every wavering moment of my early 20s - everything I say is just an aggregation of her wisdom. She is my god.
Not me including FURTHER READING on my Substack. Fuck, I am a type A freak. I guess if you got this far you probably are too. ANYWAY I love you, thank you for reading. Spreadsheet in peace, my comrades x
Love this!!